The good, the bad, and the stupid

Project: TFI

Looked at: Chapter 1-30

Starting word count: 79,352

Ending word count: 81,732

Gain/Loss: +2,380

Biggest Problem: Chapter 28 needed to be completely rewritten.

Favorite line:
Must I really choose just one?

Daily WTF: How did I manage to write an entire chapter that didn't really advance the plot? And how did I not wrap up the biggest subplot in the novel? Beats me.

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I'd like to announce that TFI is D.O.N.E! I'm still waiting to hear back from Vic and one other person, but J.M. has the rewrite in her inbox. After six years, I'm ready to wash my hands of this. I'll be sad to see it go, but I plan on moving on to other things very, very shortly. Besides, it's time for TFI to get out and see the world…or at least an agent's inbox.

On the other side of that, J.M. recently agreed to critique an erotica novel. This novel was 133,163 words long. Bugger and blast! 562 pages of bloomin' erotica! J.M. spent two full days straight critting this novel for this chick. The whole time, she was telling me how drawn out it was, but that she wanted to finish it for this person, because that's just how J.M. is. After being tortured by redundant shagging scenes and slogging through a manuscript that's 4/5 dialogue, she reaches the end. Which, she's happy to say, was kinda cool. Overall, it was a dog's dinner.

She sent the crit to the writer, and gets this response. "Don't mind the bluntness in the least, but I'm going to take the "It's too loooong! with a huge grain of salt. It probably IS too long, but I figure if it's accepted my publisher will take a knife to it."

Seriously? You stupid wanker! You really think any agent is going to take a 133k erotica seriously? What agent is going to look at that query and say, "Hmm. A hundred and thirty-three thousand word erotica. Of course I'll take a look at it! I didn't have anything else planned for the next month, so I'll sit here and do the writer's job for them." She's daft, that one.

Sorry sweetheart, but you need to get a grip. You're bloody barmy! It makes me so mad that I'm going British all over the place. Someone was nice enough to slug through your doorstop of a manuscript, and you have the bleedin' audacity to throw all of their time out the window by saying you're not going to change it, because that's the agent/publisher's job? Editing your manuscript is a DIY kind of thing. Don't try to pawn it off on someone who has better things to do with their time.

Agents have clients. Clients are their lifeblood. Successful clients are the ones who pay the agent's rent at the end of the month. You are just some silly bird who wastes three minutes of the agent's time while they read your query, get to the length, laugh, and form reject your stupid arse. At least they might get a kick out of the attempt. If you get anything other than a form rejection, I'll eat my shorts.

I'm definitely in one hell of a nark right now.

Anatomy of a bad critique

I've given myself a deadline for editing. If I'm not done by March 31, I'm not allowed to go Frisbee Golfing this year. If that doesn't get my ass into gear, nothing will.

Since I'm being so strict about this deadline, I've asked some fellow writers over at Forward Motion to take a look. Got the first one back today, and after reading through the six pages of critique, it was obvious that they just didn't get it. Last time, I talked about the importance of a critique partner. Now, I want to talk about the anatomy of a bad critique.

I'll start off by admitting that reading the critique in question made me mad.

Some of the points brought up were valid, and I plan on addressing.

Example 1 : There are times on each of the missions where both the first and last name of a character are used independently, thus causing confusion. This is a legitimate point.

Example 2 : There is a point where Jana takes off her uniform and bathes in the lagoon. For some reason, I have her unzipping her uniform, doing something, zipping it back up, and then getting in the water and unzipping it to take it off and bathe. Redundant. This is a legitimate point.

Some of the points made it clear that they had no idea what was going on.

Example 3: "Why couldn't they use the drug to stop them?" (This is the actual question she asked, pertaining to a situation in the novel about the terrorists unleashing a biochemical toxin). Seriously? She really asked that? Maybe because it was concentrated stuff, and it was a SURPRISE ATTACK! The medicine she's talking about must be injected, but the toxin's kill rate is a matter of minutes. Not to mention, it's an experimental treatment that when used on Jana made her extremely sick.

Example 4: "Characters are not military enough." This is another example of blatant misunderstanding of the text. There is a very real reason why the characters, military, and government are the way they are. It tells you why.

So what's the difference? A helpful critique will touch on both the positive and negative aspects. Gushing over the good parts shouldn't be so much for the author's ego than to show them what it is they're doing right, what's working for them. The bad comments should be paid attention to if and only if the reviewer's remarks make it clear that they get what's going on, or if it is like the first two Examples.

To compare, I'll use one of J.M.'s comments.

Good Critique: If I were a little girl, and I saw someone holding a gun at my daddy, I'd be scared. The child shows too much indifference. Sure, it helps the plot, but you're missing another chance for more conflict. Kids aren't stupid. They sense tension, it makes them uneasy, and they cry. Even if she didn't know that Jana wanted to hurt her daddy, she would still squirm in her arms, cry, grabby-hand at her daddy, etc. She'd be nervous because her daddy was unnerved and anxious. (This is a legitimate point.)

Bad Critique: "At some point, the sun set and they turned on the artificial lights" Odd for some reason I thought they weren't on a planet. (Note: It is clear they're not on a planet, because it says so in the sentence before it. The station is orbiting the planet like a satellite, so they have night and day to a degree, even if it is only through the windows of the station.)

Janet Reid, the Gordon Ramsay of Queries.

Project: TFI

Looked at: Chapter 7

Starting word count: 80,878

Ending word count: 80,886

Gain/Loss: +12

Biggest problem: Some of the sections didn't sound quite right.

Favorite line: "Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did."
Jana groaned. "Fine, have it your way. I have a question."
"I have an answer," Aeronth replied cheekily.-Page 69

Daily WTF: "The screen flashed green, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief." –Page 84

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What I'm listening to: New Math (Bo Burnham)

It's been a few days since I last posted. I've been in a bit of an editing slump lately. On the bright side, I did get a fabulous new idea for ELEVEN while I was on my way home from work the other night. I've written it down, but it'll be shelved until I actually start writing the novel for 2YN. I don't want to cheat the process. I spent the last few days reading over editor and agent blogs, catching up on the latest episode of Lost, and so on. I read back through Janet Reid's old blog posts. It made me realize something.

Janet Reid is the Gordon Ramsay of queries.

If anyone doesn't know who Gordon is, you're mad. (No, not the angry kind, you wanker.) Look him up if you don't know what I'm talking about. By the by, that is a compliment.

Also, I found this fabulous article about writing. Read it, learn it, live it.

Chapter Six: Surprisingly Uneventful Editing

Project: TFI

Looked at: Chapter 6

Starting word count: 80,915

Ending word count: 80,878

Gain/Loss: -37

Biggest problem: Surprisingly, there wasn't one. The action, I thought, was solid the first time around.

Favorite line: "She shook her head, trying to get her eyes to focus and to get herself to concentrate. Jana had her hand on the lock release. She pressed it as hard as she could, with barely enough energy to stand. It didn't release; she was too weak. Jana tried again, throwing her body weight into the movement. She slipped on something wet on the floor, hit her head, and blacked out." –Page 65

Daily WTF: "The force of hitting it threw Jana forward, creating an intense amount of pain as she gasped for air while her harness nearly strangled her." –Page 62

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Okay, so my favorite line still needs work. But the point is that I connect well with it.

The WTF was changed to: "The force of hitting it threw Jana forward. Her harness nearly strangled her, and she gasped for air through the pain." Which, I think, works better.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised once more at how little I changed. Victoria will be looking over this stuff in a week or so, so we'll see what she thinks. I got some great comments from her on chapter one. It's just so hard to look at something you've written and see the places that might not be clear enough for someone else. So, thanks Vic!

Blast you, past self and your passive voice!

Project: TFI

Looked at: Chapter 4 and 5

Starting word count: 81,093

Ending word count: 80,915

Gain/Loss: -178

Biggest problem: The most common problem was passive voice. Then again, from here on out, it's all first draft stuff that I'm going over. I have a feeling it's going to get a lot worse.

Favorite line:

"You are to secure this case. If you encounter any wildlife during your stay, you are not to harm said wildlife under any circumstances whatsoever. Failure to do so will result in severe disciplinary action from the board for infringement of the Planetary Restoration Act."

Great. So if a herd of monkeys ambushed them, we're expected to just stand there and wave? After wondering this, Jana tried very hard to stay focused on the mission briefing, but her mind kept turning to thoughts about whether or not a group of monkeys was a herd.

Daily WTF: Today's WTF isn't a specific line. It's my past self's apparent lack of ability to write in active voice.

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Stupid, stupid passive voice! I was amazed at how wishy-washy it was. So there I was, going through my manuscript mercilessly hacking it to pieces, when I noticed a trend. I am now sufficiently depressed at going through the rest of this. I can already tell it's going to be one hell of a ride. Only, it won't be the good kind. It's gonna be one of those rickety, wooden coasters that I hate. I mean it! Every time I've ever gone on a wood roller coaster, I end up with black and blue marks. I can't help it that I bruise easily.

On another note, I've started to come up with things I need to fix in this (or the next) run through. This is including, but not limited to; Giving more information early on about the military and setup of the government, expanding the relationship between Jana and Aeronth, fleshing out the Earth mission more, and other things that I don't want to give away.

My plans for this edit are just to go through and tighten it up a bit. Change all the passive voice to active, get rid of any clichés, that sort of stuff. I've got someone looking at the first two chapters, and we'll see how that turns out. I've got some great new ideas that I'll play around with for inclusion in the next version. Wish me luck!

A brief history of TFI

Project: TFI

Looked At: Chapter 3

Starting word count: 80,421

Ending word count: 81,093

Gain/Loss: +672

Biggest problem: Like the last chapter, it needed a bit more fleshing out. I had skimmed over some parts that I had to go more in depth with.

Favorite Line: "This doesn't look so bad. I'll be out of here in no time, Jana thought to herself smugly as she filled in the first answer. Something she hadn't noticed before, in the corner of the screen was a tiny box that read "Page 1 of 572". Jana dropped the tablet and put her hands to her face. You have to be kidding me.
I'm going to be here until I die." –Page 47

Daily WTF: Surprisingly, I don't have one today.

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Today I found an older version of the Through Fire and Ice query that I had written on lined paper many, many moons ago. The date on it (because hey, I like dates) is from April of 07. So if anyone was wondering how long I've been working on TFI, the answer November of 2005. It started out as a NaNo project. A week and 23k words into it, I changed my mind. I liked the story too much, and was too afraid that pushing myself to finish in the month would ruin it. I finished it in August 2006, and shoved it in my sock drawer where no one would find it while I worked on the sequel, Truth in Coins.

TiC, by the way, still isn't done. Not even the first draft. It's close, don't get me wrong…but it's just not there yet. I have a beginning, middle, and end. It's just missing the beginning of the end, or is it the end of the middle?

To date, here are my current projects and their states of completion:

1. Through Fire and Ice (TFI) – Rewrites
   
2. Truth in Coins (TiC) – Rough draft 7/8 completed
   
3. Eleven – Some basic ideas. Also the novel I'm using for the 2YN
   
4. The River City – First chapter of rough draft, basic outline
   
5. The Chronicles of Reist – Four sections in, outline and worldbulding complete
   
6. Everliving/Unliving – Worldbuilding completed, first chapter, outline
   
7. Untitled – The steampunk novel I've got brewing. Basic premise, not much more
   
8. Once Upon A Dream – Premise, layout, and the ending
   

That's not counting any abandoned projects or stuff I have sitting in a drawer somewhere waiting for me to get back to it for revisions. Those are all things I'm (sort of) actively working on, in one form or another. Also included but not listed is the worldbuilding activity stuff. Yikes! I'd better get back to editing.

A query nark, and other things.

Project: TFI

Looked at: Chapter Two

Starting word count: 80,014

Ending word count: 80,421

Gain/Loss: +407

Biggest Problem: Needed to flesh out some of the sections a little more. Jana wasn't quite as snarky in this chapter.

Favorite line:
"He stood behind his desk looking down at Jana, beefy face and obscene mustache giving him a look resembling a walrus. If only he had a top hat." –Page 28

Daily WTF: "The SCORPION team. That is, the S-311M Central Organization for the Removal of Potential Infectious Outbreaks and Nosopoetic anomalies," he rattled off. –Page 24

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If you're wondering what's up with the favorite line for today, it's a reference to Alice in Wonderland. As for today's WTF line, the acronym system in this book is meant to be a bit cliché. I put that one in there because when writing this for the first time, I came up with all these words for the acronyms that made me say, "Yeah! That's awesome! That sounds so darn cool!"

I refused to change the words even when the fluidity was a challenge. I have a running joke with a friend about this. "And that's the PHOENIX team. Don't ask me what it is, because the author couldn't come up with a decent X word. Bit embarrassing, so we just don't talk about it."

But gosh darn it, I was determined! Eventually I ended up making it into a mech model, and it played a rather important part later on. Thankfully, it worked out this time.

What I'm reading now: The Hellgate trilogy by Mel Odom, based off of the game by Flagship Studios. (Which, by the way, could have been amazing, but just wasn't.) It was suggested to a friend of mine who currently has a full reading list. I suspect that I'm screening the book for him, but whatever. It started off great, until the character got killed off and I found out it's his son the book is actually about.

That aside, I'm not hating it. It's good enough that I continue to read it. It keeps me entertained, and I like where he went with the technology for the Templars. So far I've gotten about ¾ through the first book, just reading en route to work. (No, not while I'm driving. That would be irresponsible. But then again, it is Utah. What could possibly happen?)


Looked at Nathan Bransford's website more in-depth today. I've followed his blog for a while, but never delved into the forums. I really like what he's done with it. I signed up and took a look at the section in there for feedback. I was both surprised and happy to see that the forum community was so helpful (in the right ways). I did a critique on one of the queries posted on there, as well as a slightly older version of one of my own queries before I revised it. I'm curious to see what will be said about it.

I noticed while looking at this site and others like it that many people like to allude to the bad guys without giving any information about them, or who they are. They think it creates suspense, but I think it's just confusing. A little mystery is good, but you need to give the reader enough to sink their teeth into. If you have your whole query talking about Mary Gretchen looking for a birthday gift for the devilish pixie living in her sock drawer and then mention at the end, "and now they must run from the watchers to keep the Purple Scarf of Flamboyancy from falling into the wrong hands…" It's only going to lead to a resounding "WTF" from me. Who are the watchers? What's their aim? Why are they so dangerous? And most importantly, what on earth would they do with the PSoF?

Another Day of Editing

Project: TFI

Looked at: Chapter 1

Starting word count: 79,981

Ending word count: 80,014

Gain/Loss: +33

Biggest problem: None, really. Just a few wording changes here and there.

Favorite Line: "There was no time for petty injuries. After all, it was only a flesh wound. Even if there was a freak accident along the way that left her limbless, Jana would still find a way to get to this meeting." –Page 1

"Jana had always thought Lt.Colonel Buchannan had a voice like a broken whistle […] Her voice irritated Jana, high pitched and wheezing. As long as the Colonel was on Jana's side, however, she could wheeze the entirety of Beethoven's Fourth and Jana could care less." –Page 6

Daily WTF:
"The more she thought on it, the more obscure and mysterious it became, the way saying nearly any word repeatedly eventually makes you doubt yourself that it's a word at all." –Page 13

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With the stats for today out of the way, I'd just like to say that I have no idea where that WTF came from. I know what I wanted it to say, but don't ask me how it ended up like that. It's fixed (for now), but we'll just have to see how that turns out. On the bright side, there were two lines that I liked enough that I couldn't decide which was better. Not that they can't still be tweaked, but they're getting there. Which do you like? Why?

This year, I decided to give Lazette Gifford's Two Year Novel Course (2YN) on fmwriters a try. It's definitely got a thumbs-up from me so far. I was tossing two different ideas around for the course, and finally settled on ELEVEN. It's a project that's been shelved for two years, give or take. The other option was something completely new that doesn't have a title. It's currently called UNTITLED.

Original, I know. So sue me.

I stumbled across Query Shark last week. Two words: LOVE IT! Not only is it hilarious, it's incredibly insightful. For any writer who's wondered why their query gets rejection after form rejection, it's a great resource. I strongly recommend grabbing a hard copy of your query and a red pen, and going through the queries. Yes, every one of them. I guarantee that by the end of it, you'll have a very colorful query. But you know what? That's not a bad thing. Making mistakes helps you to learn all of the things NOT to do, and before you know it, you'll be doing the right things without even thinking about it.